We have been waking up to this song every morning this week:

You’ve got all that emotion
that’s heaving like an ocean

And you’re drowning
in a deep, dark well

I ask the children to pick a song for the week.  It will be the soundtrack to which we get ready for the day.  My oldest little lady has picked this song:

I can hear it in your voice
that if you only had a choice

You would rather be anyone else

And every morning, when she presses play, tears well up in my eyes…

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He made your precious heart
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

I am 12 years old, in a new school, and I desperately want to fit in.  I am 14 and I can’t seem to keep up with the checklists I have created for myself. They are innumerable; I can hardly breathe.  Oh, this is hard.  I never feel good enough, the “if onlys” looping in my mind.

And the words Andrew Peterson sings for his own daughter are speaking to the younger me who was trying to prove her self worth.  And I weep as I remember those tumultuous years of growing up.  And I weep even more as I realize that Father-God, with His grace, has redeemed it all.

He has taken the valleys He called me to walk through – the heartaches, the doubts, the deep, dark sorrows, He has taken them all and redeemed them.  He has transformed that darkness into light.  He lavishes me with grace upon grace and shows me that I am loved, deeply, truly loved in a way too marvelous for me to fully grasp.  I catch glimpses of this love and I am swept away –

And now when I once again fall into the trap of comparing myself with other women, when I long to be anyone else, envying someone else’s life –
When emotions are heaving like an ocean for me in the presentand I am starting to drown…I remember to ask for grace to remember truth.  The woman I have become still judges herself harshly at times.  The valleys I am being called to walk through are greater than ever before.  My heart aches.  And I am learning to remember truth:  that I am loved.   I remember to be kind to myself.   Andrew Peterson’s words are still true today.

I watch my little ladies dancing to this song, getting ready for the day; they are not quite sure of the reason or necessity of the words being sung.  They are carefree and sure…wearing mismatched socks and hair all in pony tails and giggling and relishing all that is life…the throes of emotion not having taken over their young, earnest hearts just yet.

But the time will come, when hormones will rise and fall and fitting in will matter and the world will seem dark.

I wipe away tears…these girls of mine, these little ones, they know they are loved.  And this gives them the freedom to dance.  They believe the truth with certainty because they trust their Father earnestly.

And as Father-God’s energizing favour fuels my own heart and transforms me day by day with a child like faith again, I join them in this dance…

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He made your precious heart
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Rebecca

    April 5, 2017

    Oh, I LOVE this. Thank you so much. If only more Christians could understand how very deeply they are loved by Father God and how He views them not as sinners but as saints and if He views them that way, that means they ARE that way, because Father God would never view anything incorrectly. The more our thinking and perspectives line up with His, the more freedom and joy there will be. Love you, friend!

    • Mariam

      April 5, 2017

      Thank you, Rebecca! Yes. To all that you have written here, just yes!

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