Two brothers, clutching each other’s hands as they walk with blistered, battered feet… emaciated, skeletal bodies, mouths dry, longing for home, water, food… something

I hold my son close and sing to him as he falls asleep

Two brothers, wasted, lifeless, half naked roam the deserted streets of Haleb, the older boy carrying their baby brother in his arms… orphaned

He nuzzles against my chest, at peace, content

They have seen death, smelled it, heard its shrill nauseating sounds, felt it close to their skin. They have witnessed death.

I kiss his forehead, his cheeks again and again

They are so young.  One is maybe 8 years old, the other is maybe 7, and the baby, how old was the baby?

I lay him down in his crib to sleep and I linger there for a moment as I watch him rest

They cannot care for this baby; how will they care for this child?   The middle boy searches for a church. Upon finding one, they gently lay the babe down on the church steps, and go to hide

He is sleeping soundly; I love the sound of his gentle breath

Someone will come rescue this babe, they hope.  Someone will surely come, see the babe alone, have pity on him, take him home and raise him.  The brothers are mere children, having just barely survived a most horrific death march, how can they now care for a baby and care for themselves?   They leave the babe there on the steps and wait

Someone will come

….

Please stop.

I cannot finish telling this story… not now, not today.

I hold my child close, my babe.  I kiss my girls.  They are playing, laughing, singing…Mama, come on, dance with us!

We will dance, my loves, my doves, my beautiful ones…  we will dance…

As I try to process this part of my history, we will dance

Genocide Memorial in Yerevan

Related Posts:

• miracles
• and now for something new…
• White Horse Black Mountain…part one
• August 1st – Armenian folk music in Black Mountain, NC
• Hars Em Knoom, A Bride’s Song…

You are here, my child.  You are here in my arms.

I study your face;  the creases on your chubby little arms, legs…  I listen to your breaths…captivated by the rise and fall of your chest…  I watch you watching this new world around you…  each day your eyes –  transfixed at the sounds, smells, and sights of this new home –  remain open for a longer amount of time…  turning your head to me each time I speak, each time I sing…

Ah, you are here, and I am mesmerized by the creation of you, by the journey of your development from a tiny soul inside me, to a squirming, cartwheeling babe in my womb, to a babe in my arms.

You are now in my arms.

I will never forget that moment.  That indescribable moment you left my womb – babe once inside my taut-stetched-to-its-limit-belly to child wailing in a dimly lit room as I gazed upon you in wonder… that physical emptiness inside me knowing we were no longer two in one. That moment when the weight of carrying you was complete and you were in this world, beside me, no longer within me… oh, child…

You are here.

You are here with me, smiling, cooing, experimenting with your voice, laughing even, already.  Your eyes sparkle and shine and you are so aware.  You look at me intently, eyes fixed on mine.  You are here and as each day passes by, you change and grow and develop so quickly…  too quickly…  how can I stop the time?  If just for a second?  And I hold you close and try to capture these fleeting moments in my mind, scrabbling to record details with my pen or my camera.  I wish I could record it all.

You are here and my heart is full of wonder at the miracle of it all.

Related Posts:

• No Related Posts

You are cartwheeling, somersaulting, wiggling and squirming about inside me, Dear One.

My swollen belly contains you now, but you are restless, making your presence ever known.

How we are anticipating your arrival into this World.  We love you so.

Your sisters sit on either side of me, gently rest their tiny hands on my belly and whisper to you,  ”Hola, Bebe!  Parev, Baby!  We love you!”  Sometimes, sometimes you respond as if on cue and wriggle about and they feel your movements and they giggle uncontrollably with glee…  ”The baby moved!  The.  Baby. Moved!!”  they exclaim.  I nod smiling, drinking in their earnest joy.

I feel these moments deeply.   The joy in my children’s faces.  The dancing babe within me.  All of it.  I feel every inch of these moments and treasure them in my heart.

Ah, child.   You are almost here, and we can’t wait to see you.  I love expecting you, holding you within, knowing  I am not one being, but for a time, I am two.

Together, you and I, we are two in one, as you continue to dance within my womb.

And soon, you will be here in my arms.

Related Posts:

• Armenian eyes
• For the very first time
• life is beautiful

Dear faithful friend

How I have missed you.  How I have longed to see you…  to know the refreshment that you give my soul each time I am by your side.

And I have felt your presence again and it was as wondrous as the last time.

Your mighty waves crashing upon the shore

Sparkling like diamonds under the sun

The ebb and flow of you…  coming and going… again and again, always returning… washing away my pain, nourishing my soul, laughing with my joy, filling me to overflowing…  pointing me towards Heaven each time I am by your side.

I can’t help but think of the Creator whenever I see you, ever since I was a little girl when I first fell in love with you, dear, constant friend, you take me straight to the Father.  Each time.

I am in awe.

The wide expanse of you, the awesome power

I could sit here for hours.

And reflect.

Remembering the losses.  Relishing the joys.   Being humbled by the grace.

I watch my little ones dance beside you… giggling, laughing, singing, orchestrating symphonies with your waves…  they are falling in love with you just like I have…

My spirit leaps within me when I see their joy…  my Beloved is out much farther than we are.  I watch him free, leaping and resting in that wide expanse.

Ah, faithful friend.  We have been through much together.  You have been there when I have wept with pain and when I have sung with joy…  you have heard my prayers, providing the soothing background music for my words…

And each time, as my heart swells with praise, you have taken me heavenward, lifting up my eyes to the most Faithful One who called you into existence.  You have taken me in the light…

Faithful friend, you have been a constant in my life for years and years now…

Til we meet again.

Related Posts:

• One month
• O my Soul
• Do Something
• five years ago
• Advent

Your dancing brown eyes,
long
dark lashes
have grown dim
your once swollen cheeks
starved, skeletal
gaunt.
Your parched lips,
with tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth,
try to utter a word:

silence.

Cries of anguish deafen you
Where is the music of your childhood that
marked your days and nights?
The hypnotic rhythms of the dumbek,
oud and
mandolin
That provided the soundscape for your blissful youth?
You take a step
dragging your dirt covered blistered bruised feet
across the desert
Straining ahead
Muscles cramped
you remember the taste of figs, the juice of pomegranate dripping down your chin
Your protruding belly once filled
now empty,

emaciated.

You close your once dancing brown eyes,

long dark lashes heavy with dust and tears and sweat, meet.

Your close your five year old eyes

And remember what was.

for my grandmother, upon reflecting on her journey during 1915

©mariammatossian

Related Posts:

• John Berberian
• and now for something new…
• First rehearsal